... and in Related News

We've all experienced this, I'm sure - reading the news headlines and suddenly misreading them as related links, as if each unrelated story is connected sequentially.

Here's an example of 'other top stories' from today's BBC News Online:

- Langham wins early jail release
- Winehouse kicks off UK tour
- Potter hopefuls lose out on role

Did a man convicted of downloading indecent images of children on the internet provoke a notorious hellraiser to start a tour, and somehow one of these events managed to exclude children auditioning for a part in a Harry Potter film?

How about this collection from the BBC News Scotland page?"

- Man, 86, dies after police crash
- Van man jailed for bike road rage
- Man remanded on murder charge
- Bike sex man placed on probation

You could easily read those as sequential headlines on the same story, which makes me feel sorry for the poor man who died, apparently as a consequence of a road rage incident involving sex on a bike. Poor fella.

Funnily enough, I'm off to Scotland this weekend - apparently my trip coincides with an important football match against Italy... a quiet weekend is unlikely.

My sign language tutor was describing yesterday how, in Glasgow, football is like a holy war, with Rangers and Celtic locked in eternal conflict because of the religious affiliations of each team. In Glasgow, he said, if you win, 50% hate you; if you lose, 100% hate you. He then told us a story about footballer Paul Ince, who, on turning up with a white bandage on his head, was described by Paul 'Gazza' Gasgoigne as looking like a pint of Guinness.

I'm pleased that I could follow all of that. My retention of vocabulary's still not strong because I just don't practice enough, but I'm getting good at following his monologues now. And yesterday, one of the new signs I learned will come in handy, I'm sure - index fingers point to the eyes, then come away as both hands spread out away from the face: 'MARVELLOUS!'

Sexist Pig

Our sign language tutor told us a joke the other day. Woman driver (don't start - she's a woman who drives, okay?), driving in the country, down tiny, winding road. Man in 4x4 coming other way and then comes to a halt.

'Pig!' she shouts.

'Bitch!' He replies, before backing up - and promptly crashes into a pig.

It's funnier in BSL. Although, as with 'My dog has no nose' in German, it doesn't really translate, as the sign for 'pig' as in animal is one thing, whereas the insult is altogether more emphatic.

Aaaanyway, a friend just alerted me to a form of sexism I hadn't considered. The recent royal scandal about an unnamed Royal being blackmailed for having gay sex and drugs at a party had everyone leaping to their most likely suspect. But when Buck Palace confirmed that it was a minor Royal, everyone abandoned their 'From Nazi to Nancy' headlines and started thinking of lesser Royals. I had mental images of some Royal or other thinking 'Me? Minor Royal? The bounders!', but not once did I think that it might have been a lady.

The fact is, lesbianism has never been illegal in this country (aside from when it involved under-16s), so it's consequently maintained a sophisticated air for most men. Whereas by being driven underground by Old Queen Vic, gay sex has always had a level of horror for straight men for whom homophobia is more to do with being afraid of being labelled as gay themselves than of being afraid of poovery per se. But it's true that I didn't hear a single rumour suggesting it could be a female royal - a minor princess or daughter of a viscount.

Now, is that because the media has trained us to assume all gay sex scandals involve public toilets, or do we simply not think of women as likely subjects for blackmail? Would a bisexual woman feel the need to hide the fact as much as a bisexual man?

I dunno. But something tells me that having sex with a Royal would be as close to bestiality with a horse as one could ever get...

BSL Day

Had a fun Sign class today. Our tutor Terry is witty and always tries to illustrate his lessons with a few anecdotes, such as today's one, where he told us about driving from work on Monday, struggling to control his motorike against 60mph winds on the flyover, then getting home, driving his bike through the garage doors and being knocked off by the gate blowing shut and tipping him and the bike over. Six months ago, I wouldn't have got half of that. 'Motorbike' and 'wind' probably.

We've been learning direction verbs - that's verbs that change slightly to indicate different things, such as showing action to or from someone [I ask you / you ask me], an action that's distributed in various directions [ask upstairs / ask everyone], or repetition [keep on asking - ask, ask, ask] - all using the same hand-sign but changing the direction or position of it.

I need to practice more than I do, but it's good to have something to look forward to each week, and they're a nice bunch of people who all seem keen. I've signed up for the advanced course, so I hope I don't get out of my depth, but I seem to be coping okay so far.

18 March marks the fourth anniversary of the recognition of British Sign Language as a proper language with its own idioms and structure. Princess Diana did a lot of work to promote BSL, as its patron, but it took a long time for BSL to get any proper recognition.

I've just found this video on YouTube. As with most vids, there's no guarantee it'll be up for long, but the gist of it is that this guy is encouraging everyone who can speak BSL to celebrate the anniversary of it's transition into a 'proper' language.



I asked my pal Neil, who writes 'I Love London... Honest', why he learned to sign. One of his reasons was that more people should know how to, which works for me. We're both hearing, but Neil's very confident and articulate in signing, and he's been very encouraging to me.

Here's another YouTube video. This time, it's a very straightforward and patient guide to fingerspelling - the BSL alphabet, in other words. At the very least, I think everybody should know this:



Two posts in one day. Must sleep now...

See Here!

My latest voyage of discovery has taken me to a fun place where I'm not allowed to speak. Hurrah, I hear everyone cry!

It's all Neil's fault. Or it might be Gayle, who told me we were getting a deaf co-worker, but who turned out to only be deaf in one ear (I think she's just lazy, personally). But it's mainly Neil for showing me how much fun he's been having learning sign language. On a whim, I decided to start learning myself, and checked out a couple of online resources. By the end of the weekend I'd learned a few basic signs, brushed up my spelling, learned numbers (badly, as I later found out) and colours.

Now, something horrible happened that Sunday afternoon - I got *kind of* dumped. Although you can't really be dumped after just one date, can you? But considering how smitten I was, it hurt. So I didn't go into the office that Monday, deciding instead to work in an office in the city centre, where no-one knew me, and so wouldn't think it odd that I kept diving out of the room and into the gents to sob quietly.

In-between minor breakdowns, I started to search the work's intranet site for courses on sign language. Four days later I'd still not found anything. As a last shot, I emailed See Hear, that telly show most of you flick past on weekend afternoons. Within 30 seconds they got back to me with a course and by the following day I was signed up, having missed just one lesson.

Back to Neil, who is very confident [c-sign rising up chest] and has been studying the thing for a few years [something involving a pointing left hand being pointed at by however many years it's been, represented by the same amount of fingers on the right hand]. The first sentence I learned was 'My name is J.... i.... m.' (painful!). Thanks to Neil my second was 'My manager is a miserable lesbian c***', a phrase I proceeded to share with many of my work colleagues - who concurred! Oh I like this!

I'm getting faster, I know I'm doing better than the majority of the others in the class (I seem to be one of the few attending every lesson [hands held palms down, sides rubbing together]), and the lessons have given me something to look forward to when going to work, as well as cheering me up massively. But my confidence was rocked a little when I caught BBC News 24 this lunchtime. It's signed in the 1.00 edition. Bloody HELL he was speedy. I caught the sign for 'mobile phone' [loose fist held to side of head - bit obvious that one] and got the impression that there was a report he wasn't happy about involving an exploding bus. But then, I could hear the actual narration so I'm not such a clever dick after all.

Still, I can sign the whole of 'I can sing a rainbow' now, the title to Cher's 'Do You Believe in Life After Love' and a few episode titles from Doctor Who [a rather emphatic loop and then curved hands drawing a circle = 'The Impossible Planet'; a stroke down my right cheek and then some waggling fingers = 'Girl in the Fireplace'; though 'Castrovalva' will probably end up really vulgar the way my spelling's going]. Which means I can at least keep a group of very young deaf kids or some very easily-pleased gays entertained for a few seconds.

Just have to remember not to mention my manager at any point...